More Keyword Searches

Yes Dear Reader, it's that time again. I have accumulated a little list of searches that various weirdos people have asked of the great God Google ... and which he has, in his wisdom, directed here, to the Bloggy Bits. People tell me they enjoy these posts ... so here's the latest batch.

Merkins and pasties. Hmmmmm, well yes I can see why this person ended up here since I did once refer to both merkins and pasties in a post. I know that my good bloggy/Flickr friend Mrs Jelly knows of a farm called 'Merkin Farm' - not sure that they actually grow merkins there though. By the way, I'd like to take advantage of mentioning Mrs Jelly to give her new(ish) website a plug. Like me, she has been grasped by the fascination of photography - and she's blinking good at it too - why don't you click over and see just what she's been up to? Now, where was I? Oh yes ... there are websites with tutorials to direct you in making your own pasties for anyone interested. I wonder how most people stick them on? And does it hurt to take the off again? I found a picture of some pasties for you - this made me chuckle:

Mr Yuk I bet he gets some funny crank calls from kids looking him up in the phone book. Do kids still make prank calls? I'm sure they do. I can remember being with a group of friends, going through the phone book looking for people with stupid names, and then making ridiculous calls to those same poor people. It wasn't their fault they'd got a stupid name of course - they were probably sick to death of kids phoning them, saying something and then bursting into fits of giggles. Anyway, I digress. I happen to know, after a spot of googling, that Mr Yuk is actually the name given to a logo that appears on substances which are poisonous if ingested. What a great idea. The traditional 'skull and crossbones' logo is hardly obvious to kids as a symbol for poison. I think Mr Yuk should swim across the Atlantic and introduce himself to kids in the UK too.

So many breasts, so little time Oh dear - poor chap. You can sense his frustration can't you? Yet he still has time to google his predicament, so perhaps he's not as 'busy' as he'd like? ;)

Globaltex green bunches fabric Hmmmm, wonder why this enquirer landed here? I do have some Globaltex fabrics in my stash, but pretty sure I don't have anything entitled 'Green Bunches'. I did a quick google search myself but found nothing by that name, so perhaps it's actually called something else? If anyone knows a website where I can see it, I'd be interested.

Farthest distance ever barfed Oh please. Eeeeewwwwwwwww. Why the hell would anyone want to know that? And why did someone googling it, land at my blog? :-O For anyone interested, I discovered that there is indeed a noted distance for this questionable 'record' ... 27 feet. Yuk, yuk, yukkity yuk. This reminds me that No.2 has a book about the most disgusting world records, I must, at some point, make a blog post from entries in that book - all small boys will love it.

Wow! I can see your bosoms :-O *Hastily switches off webcam* Actually there are no (real) bosoms here on this blog, not a single one, so why do people searching for them, end up here? I admit there was once a knitted pair, but that's all, and they were for a medical 'purpose' anyway! Oooh, on the subject of the knitted pair, do you remember me telling you that a bloke at Flickr sent me a message asking if I'd knit him a pair (and a pair for his friend too)? He's sent me another message saying he is intrigued to see the person behind the images I post at Flickr (which are not in any way naughty) and could he please see what I look like? :-O Erm no ... you can't.

?? ????? ??????? ??? ? ???? ??????? What I want to know is ... why would anyone search for just question marks? Why are the question marks in formation like that? Is it a code? If so, what does it mean? It's a bit like a crossword puzzle, requiring an answer of words of 2 letters, 5 letters, 7 letters, 3 letters, 1 letter, 4 letters and another 7 letter one. And how the hell did they land at the Bloggy Bits after searching that?!

Hamster nappies Now, does this mean nappies (diapers for those of you across the pond) for actual rodent hamsters? Or a giant Pamper for Mr Richard Hammond (known affectionately to the nation as 'Hamster'? Can you imagine what his colleagues - Mr May and Mr Clarkson would say at the thought/sight of Richard Hammond wearing a giant nappy? Why am I even typing these words? Why am I having these thoughts? Begone!

Richard Hammond on the merits of the Morris Marina Well, well, well ...talk of the devil. Here we are with Mr Richard Hammond again. I have a Facebook/Forum pal (*waves at Hammy*) who thinks Richard Hammond is edibly gorgeous. Can't see it myself, but there you are. Anyway, I of course wondered what, if anything, Richard Hammond had said about the Morris Marina. I googled (like you do) and discovered that Top Gear (the BBC Programme presented by Messrs Hammond, May and Clarkson) had pronounced the Morris Marina 'the worst car ever made'. More than that they have taken delight in destroying a few Marinas over the years - most notably by dropping a piano on them. This in turn produced a furious reaction from The Morris Marina Owners Club, which is no doubt why Top Gear continues to taunt Morris Marina enthusiasts.

I watch Top Gear because my kids love it. Occasionally it does make me laugh - usually at the 'missions' they are set. But mostly I sit and wonder that Hammond, Clarkson and May have made careers out of behaving like small boys (in adult bodies). I found a picture of Jeremy Clarkson which makes me smile ... here it is:

Writing a therapeutic letter to my 10 year old self That sounds like a psychotherapeutic exercise, doesn't it? I know why this person landed here - it's because of the meme that Malach invented two or three years ago, that required us bloggers to write a letter to our 13 year old selves. Mine was in the first volume of Blog Book we now have in our possession, and is very interesting to read from the point of view of 2010. I wonder if I were doing that meme now, if my letter would be the same? I'm not sure it would.

Kitty and Gob Yes that's me, and yes I have a gob. Quite often my foot gets wedged in my gob as I find I have spoken before engaging what little brain I have left after early mentalpausal hormones have worked on it. You read about the hot flushes, the tiredness, the inability to sleep, the irritability. But nobody tells you that your brain (and especially your memory) will go on a round-the-world-cruise without telling you when it will be back. Pah!

Oh Blimey I say that quite a lot, so perhaps it's no surprise that this searcher ended up here. I think the habit of saying it (along with 'oh pigs' bottoms') developed when I had No.1 and realised that I didn't want her saying other things I might have used to exclaim. I clearly remember the first time the pigs' bottoms one came into effect: I was trying to sort out some newspapers for recycling. I had a huge pile of them, which I was struggling to carry out to the back porch we had in that house. I slipped. Result: what seemed like zillions of papers and magazines spectacularly chucked into the air, and then landing all over the place. No.1 was a tot and I saw her eyeing me keenly to ascertain my response to this event - I'm afraid 'oh pigs' bottoms' was what I found myself saying. It was so ridiculous it 'stuck' and we still say it now.

What happens if you're upside down for too long? I don't know, what does happen if you're upside down for too long? Except this isn't a joke, although if you'd like to provide a prospective punchline, I don't mind in the least. I don't know what would happen if you're upside down for too long, but I'm guessing your face would be red, large-chested ladies might get black eyes and it would be quite difficult to swallow. What is 'too long' to be upside down, anyway? We could ask the people in Oz maybe - they're upside down their whole lives.

Hairstyle of Daphne from Neighbours Oh my word, I'd forgotten all about Daphne Clark until I saw this search. I am afraid I used to watch this programme every day, and well remember Jim Robinson, Helen Daniels and Mrs Mangle. I remembered that Daphne had short blonde hair but not that she was a former stripper before falling in love with the bank manager Des Clark, and becoming a respectable Erinsborough resident. According to Wiki, she is the first character to marry, give birth and die on Neighbours - what an achievement. Not.

Mature ladies in regulation school knickers What the .... :-O Why? Why would someone search for that? Some pervy old chap wanting a reminder of his younger years, do you think? I can't imagine that any mature ladies would want reminding of the regulation school knickers they were required to wear in their younger years. At our school they were navy blue and extended up to your armpits. So attractive.

Billy Connolly - Nellie the Elephant This one has me stumped. I am a fan of Mr Connolly, finding his fascination with the absurd in life, endlessly amusing. He effs and blinds a lot, which means I can't watch his dvds in front of the kids, but I do enjoy his quirky sense of humour. I have watched his old 'An Audience with BC' so many times, I almost know all the words; and even though I've seen it so often, it can still reduce me to tears of laughter. I cannot though find anything which relates Mr Connolly with Nellie the Elephant. If anyone knows how they are linked please let me know.

Partial seizures and french bread Erm ... pardon? I'm willing to concede that there just might be some connection to link Billy Connolly with Nellie the Elephant, but partial seizures to french bread? No, I think not. When I was a teenager, some friends and I were sitting in a café in town. Said café is no longer there, nowadays Costas has taken over as the place for teens to lounge around for a chinwag. Anyway, the friends and I were chatting, eating and drinking, when a man on a nearby table started have a seizure. It was quite frightening for someone (such as me) who had never seen anyone have a seizure before. One of my friends bolted out of the café, she was so frightened. Another went over to ask if she could help the man's friends - who had laid him on the floor, and cleared a space around him for his safety. I remember him coming around and having to wipe food from his face because he'd sort of 'fallen' in his meal, but the staff there just came and tidied away and made him another meal after he'd recovered - which he did remarkably quickly. To this day it's the only time I've ever witnessed a seizure, but the whole issue of epilepsy has, of course, taken on a whole new meaning for me since the diagnosis of Scarlett.

Lady garden pictures Hmmmmmm. I'm thinking this person isn't looking for the garden designs of Gertrude Jekyll but something much more, erm, personal? But just in case I'm wrong, here's an example of Ms Jekyll's wonderful work.

I wonder if that searcher will be back for a look? :D

There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who wont anymore... Ah yes. One of my favourite quotes. It's over there in my sidebar:

"There comes a point in your life when you realize: Who really matters; who never did; who won't anymore; and who always will. So, don't worry about people from your past - there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future."

I know not who wrote it, but there's a whole lot of wisdom in those words. Which makes them a very good place to end this post. Now I shall have to start making a note of more weird and wonderful searches for your delectation. But please tell me ... am I the only one who gets people landing at their blog who have searched for such bizarre things?!

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