More Searches

I have been looking again at my blog stats - the numbers of visitors are way, way down on what they used to be, but that's hardly surprising given my recent history of being an absolutely crubbish blogger. I can't say those sorts of statistics mean much to me - as we all know, size isn't important. ;-)

However, along with the numbers of visitors, there is still the endlessly amusing 'Keyword Analysis' option at Statcounter (the stat software I use here at the Bloggy Bits). I keep a note of the ones which tickle my funny bone for the express purpose of sharing with you, dear Reader. Being a bit short of inspiration this week, I thought I'd post the latest crop, which, you'll be pleased to know, are well down to the usual standard.

• Types of Sin. Ah yes, the seven sins - I regularly get visitors searching for information on the seven sins, because of this post from yonks ago. I always have trouble remembering all seven; yet I have no trouble remembering the names of the seven dwarves and they're supposed to be trickier, aren't they? I think that sums me up.
• Gareth Barry nipples. Oh Lordy, more mens nipple searches. I get lots of these, although I have to say this is the first I can recall specifically about Gareth Barry's nipples. I bet Gareth's nipples are much chillier up in Manchester than they were when he played for Villa, but then with the megabucks he's getting, he can easily afford top of the range nipple warmers.
• Fab boobs. Boobs and nipples - they seem to be quite common searches for some who land at my blog. Anyone would think this was the sort of blog which show-cased such things. It isn't, not unless you count the knitted boobies anyway (which, if you remember, ended up on our snow monkey Gloria, before they were sent on their way to help midwives in Sussex teach about breast feeding). Do you know, Dear Reader, a man saw my knitted boobies over at Flickr and messaged me. He wanted to pay me to knit him some ... a pair for him and some for his friend. :-O I declined, but emailed a link to the pattern, suggesting he perhaps find someone known to him who might do the honours.
• Snooker innuendo. Not a sport overly given to the utilisation of innuendo, or perhaps I underestimate the sensual frisson experienced by some witnessing the vision of Ronnie O'Sullivan, one leg lifted to lie along the side of a snooker table? The reason this person landed here is because in this old post, I reported the fact that whilst commentating on a snooker match on Sky Sports, Mike Hallet said "Steven Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets". Which caused much mirth in the studio, I'm sure.
• Hawkings Farty Sprouts. Does this, I wonder, pertain to the eminent Physicist Dr Stephen Hawking, and his reaction to seasonal vegetables? Or perhaps the questioner should have omitted a 'g' and gone to the website of that wonderful company Hawkins Bazaar, whose catalogue lands with a welcome *thump* on my doormat each autumn? I searched at Hawkins for 'farty sprouts' but the only thing I found was a box of Christmas crackers which contained clockwork sprouts; the idea being that at the end of the festive meal, participants might race their respective sprouts. It's different, I guess?
• Kitty's hairy armpits on Youtube. Pardon?!
• Wolf Whistle Avoidance. Ah yes, that old predicament. The bottom line is that one cannot stop anyone else from wolf whistling - you just shouldn't be so darned gorgeous. It is a sad fact that the last time I heard a wolf whistle it was because for a while I had a wolf whistle as the text tone on my mobile phone. I will never forget the time it went off in a charity shop, and the 'mature' lady behind the counter looked up. I apologised, explaining it was my phone, whereupon she quickly retorted 'damn - I thought I'd pulled'. :-D I was wolf-whistled by a dustman about 3 years ago but my life has been a dearth of the lupine whistle eversince.
• Kitty Wrinkle Sock Monkeys. Do you know, I like to think this person might actually have been looking for me. As opposed to the vast majority, who end up here by mistake. I haven't made a sock monkey in ages - I got sock monkey burn out. I think it's the same sort of disease that lovely Monkee Maker got where her monkees of knit were concerned. I heard from her recently you know - over at Flickr. She's still doing fabulous things with yarn. I used that link without her permission - I hope she doesn't mind. I do miss her bloggage; I can't be the only poor soul who yearns to know how 007 is doing? Is her RGH still biking? Are her RBDs even more B? We'll never know!
• Even though I never had you it feels like I lost you (I can't forget). I'm assuming this must be a song lyric, but I have no idea whose? Losing someone is never nice and losing something you never had in the first place must be frustrating to say the least.
• Large soft breast hanging out of car window. I think this one left me speechless. Tittering, but speechless. I mean ... why? How? In this weather there would be frost bite!
• Inflatable chaps. I wonder if they meant inflatable chaps, or inflatable chaps? Wouldn't a cowboy find it quite difficult to ride his horse if his chaps were inflated? And surely there would always be a risk of getting them caught on a cow's horn and having them burst? I think the traditional leather ones are probably much more practical. If, on the other hand, the searcher was looking for the other sort of inflatable chap they won't find him here. (If you have time, look at that link to Amazon - where they describe the item as a "Vinyl plastic blow up male with no bits" :-D )
• How to have wrinklets. Nobody else can have Wrinklets like my Wrinklets. They are the best Wrinklets in the whole wide world. However, if you wanted to try for one (or more) of your own, you'll need more than a vinyl plastic blow up male with no bits.
• Is it ok to flush broken egg yolks down the toilet? Whilst I have a very enquiring brain, I can honestly say that I have never, ever pondered the question of whether it's ok to flush broken egg yolks down the toilet. Have you, dear Reader? I'd always water it down and put it down the sink, but who knows, perhaps flushing it down the loo is an altogether more environmentally sound option? All input gratefully received.
• Mr Partridge's Amazing Performing Troupe. This is rather a particular, but obscure thing for which to be searching isn't it? It turns out that it's a play for schools to stage at Christmas: "Father Christmas has invited Mr Partridge's Amazing Performing Troupe to sing for Mrs Christmas. But Nasty Grimgrump wants to spoil the Twelve Days of Christmas for everyone. Can Mo and Jo Reconcile them all in time for a happy Christmas?" is the blurb accompanying the pack that teachers can buy to help them produce it (the pack includes Piano/Vocal score, Script, Cast list, Staging suggestions, Expandable cast list - a part for everyone, and Costume ideas). Have any of you been to see a school production of this?
• Dalai Lama missing organ. :-O Does His Holiness have a missing organ? Was it a Wurlitzer, or something internal? I'm thinking it would actually be pretty difficult to lose a Wurlitzer organ, they're not exactly small, are they? I googled the matter and discovered that in the autumn of 2008 His Holiness had his gall bladder removed (in Delhi, India) so perhaps that is what the visitor to my blog was attempting to find out?
• Ex forces women's PE knickers. Hmmmmm (*said in thoughtful manner whilst rubbing chin*). Do women in the Forces have to wear special knickers when they do physical exercise? Regulation knickers? I must admit I have never given it a moment's thought before. I well remember the knickers we had to wear at school back in the day ... Ugh. Huge navy blue things that would stretch up to your armpits if you pulled them up hard :( It's so much more sensible that girls are now required to wear shorts over their regular knickers.
• Pudsey porn. Wrong. On so many levels.
• I know nothing about photoshop, so where should i start? I found it hard to resist typing: 'With a capital 'I' for a start!'. Sorry - pedant alert, but a small 'i' where there should be a large 'I' is extremely annoying. So there. But on the subject of learning Photoshop, I heartily recommend the free DVD I got with my gift subscrition of Digital Photo magazine. Entitled 'Getting Started in Photoshop', it does exactly what it says on the can (except there is no can). You could also google Photoshop tutorials and techniques - there are a gazillion out there. You might also like to check out the blog of Mr Gavin Hoey - who knows what he's talking about. Go and visit him - you'll like him.

That's your lot for now, but I know there will be more another day. As long as people keep searching the interweb for weird stuff, and then landing here, I shall note it!

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