Hair Care

Recently, No.2, in his own inimitable way (ie direct and with no sensitivity whatsoever) referred to my “moustache”. He quickly added that he was joking, but it was enough to have me running to a mirror to closely examine my top lip. Hmmm, perhaps I’ve been a bit remiss lately in attending to such things as unwanted cheveux or poils?

There are, of course, people who believe we should all wear our body hair au naturelle. Taken to the ‘n’th degree, it would result in us all sporting long shapeless hair ‘styles’ (bald bits allowing) and men having bushy beards and moustaches. I would like to ask my female readers – do you like a bit of facial whiskery on a chap? I must admit, I’ve always found it rather attractive (my previously admitted youthful crush on Tom Selleck is evidence of that. Although ... No.1 was watching an old episode of 'Friends' recently, with Mr Selleck playing Monica's boyfriend Richard. He's still rather gorgeous you know). Similarly, I much prefer a hairy chest on a man than the smooth, waxed chests which seem to be the vogue nowadays, though hairy backs are a bit questionable. There is perhaps a fine line to be drawn between ‘masculine’ and ‘simian’?

At least men only have to decide what to do with their facial fluff; they experience no social pressures to remove, doctor, or shape other body hair (though I gather Frank Lampard has even had his arm hair waxed off. Why, Frank?) I admit to being terrified as a youngster of my grandmother's next door neighbour, who had eyebrows of gargantuan proportions, with associated wispy bits. The 'monobrow' is also not a good look. But generally blokes can do what they like with their hairy bits, whereas women are deemed less feminine for not attending to sprouting tufts. A bit of online research informed me that in primitive 'tribal cultures' men who are excessively hairy are deemed to have supernatural powers or increased virility. Whereas hairy woman are reviled as freaky or even 'evil'. I know in some countries it's considered normal or even desirable, but according to the BBC's website, women in the UK spend £280m PER YEAR on removal of body hair.

Julia Roberts was once famously photographed in a red sleeveless dress, with something dark lurking in her armpits. It turned out not to be twin small fluffy mammals, but hair! Did it make you warm to her? Did it help publicise whatever it was she was attending or promoting at the time? Personally, my eyes were just horribly drawn to the underarm hair and failed to read the blurb attached. It wasn’t a few wisps, it was a veritable ... thicket ... which means it must have been left unattended for quite some time. Is it only me who would never wear a sleeveless dress or top in public if I wasn’t ‘presentable’ in the armpit department? Perhaps Julia had been fondly nurturing it and was proudly giving her fluffy bits a debut? She doesn’t seem to have done it again since. Please don't misunderstand me, I have no beef with women who choose not to shave their underarm sproutings; horses for courses ... I just couldn't imagine feeling ok with it on me.

Travelling further south we must inevitably examine the question of deforestation down under (and no, we're not talking of horticultural vegetation in the Antipodes). On girlie nights out I’ve attended, this subject has produced chat of much hilarity. There are those who favour simple edge trimming, those who feel more comfortable with more extensive pruning, and the odd one who takes it all off. None of those with whom I conversed on the matter has had a Brazilian (or admitted to it) – have any of you? Doesn’t the mere thought of having waxed papers ripped off in the region make you cross your legs in self-protection? Isn’t it much simpler and less painful to utilise other methods?

Of course, just as with hairstyles on heads, hair management in other (bodily) places is subject to modes and phases. Can you imagine what they’d have said 50 years ago at the thought that people would voluntarily subject themselves to torture in the name of trendy pubes? Mind you, back in 1450, when the merkin was first 'invented', I'm sure they didn't envisage that people would still be wearing them over 550 years later (often with complimentary 'pasties' - apparently).

I was in a shop with the kids last summer. One of those shops that sells everything from dog leads to mascara to birthday cards to footballs to ... well, decorative merkins and pasties as it turned out. No.1 was looking at things being displayed on a wall round the corner from me, she quickly came to get me to show me something. Yep, you've guessed it. She was fascinated, but appalled that people would wear stuff like that. What I want to know - and I didn't dare pick up the packet to look with her stood there - is how do people make them stick on their bodies? And if it's via a method 'adhesive' enough to keep them stuck there - what the hell's it like when you take them off? :-O Ouch!

Should anyone be interested in making their own pasties (and I'm not talking Delia's recipe for a tasty Cornish version) ... click here for a tutorial.

Anyway, I'm pleased to report my top lip is now as smooth as a baby's bottom. A friend of mine (who shall remain nameless, or she wouldn't be a friend anymore) has reported the appearance of wiry chin hairs from time to time. I'm very pleased to say I have yet to find one of those. However, should I inadvertently miss one, I'm sure No.2 would be happy to tell me it's there.

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