Incy Wincy Spider

September - it's that time of year again. The time of year when tribes of Tegenaria Gigantia make it their sole purpose in life to scare the bejesus out of yours truly. I'm generally a live-and-let-live sort of person, and if these (not so) little critters would just live their lives somewhere else, I wouldn't mind in the least. But they don't, do they? No, they come into my home!

Why do they come in? I have never, ever, not once, purchased 'spider food' in the shops. My home is for humans and a cat, not for hairy arachnids with big black and brown bodies and long black legs. I have no spider household items - no spider beds, no spider bathroom, no spider kitchen-diner. I have no spider entertainments - no spider tv, no spider cd players, no spider playstation. Quite frankly, they have no business being here.

One evening last week my daughter ran downstairs squealing - she'd seen one on the landing, and could I please come and deal with it. Not wanting to appear like a pathetic wuss to a child, I bravely collected an empty cottage cheese pot from the kitchen and a large postcard from the mantelpiece (sorry about that to the person who sent it - it was lovely of you to think of us, and we really appreciated it. We even admired the picture on the front, but needs must and so it was co-opted for spider-catching duties). I don't like to kill spiders - I don't know why seeing as they are plainly trying to induce a coronary in me by their very appearance - but this does mean I have to catch them before I can 'liberate' them. Anyway, a quick recce on the landing revealed no sign of said spider ... until I noticed a large, black, irregular shape on the skirting board by my bedroom door. Aha! Enemy located. I tentatively approached in a hobbling fashion (why does the appearance of spiders make my toes quite literally curl?) only to witness the bloody thing scuttle (at a hell of a speed) into my room - and under my bed!!

Now this is not a happy scenario. It was approaching bedtime, but I couldn't go to bed with THAT underneath. Luckily said bed is on castors so I began to manœuvre it around the room. No sign of spider until it eventually emerged from the bottom of the bed. It might have been at this point (as it was within 6 inches of my foot) that I squeaked a bit. I definitely heard myself make a noise. I courageously approached it with my pot/card combo but it did the worst possible thing - it ran onto, then under, the valance around the bottom of the bed! Eeeeeeek! There was nothing for it, I had to play as dirty as it had - I took off my croc and I belted the big black blob under the valance several times. And there it sat, motionless. Was it dead? I needed to know and so did my daughter who was alternating between fear and hysterical laughter at her mother making such a drama out of a creepy crawly crisis. I gingerly raised the valance and a giant house spider - now in several pieces - fell to the floor. I stamped on the bits (to make sure they really were dead) and then hooked them into the pot, and put them in the kitchen bin.

I've googled these beasts - do you know, the females have been known to grow as large as 18cm in length (that's over 7"!) but the males reach a 'mere' 15cm (just under 6"). Apparently it's the males which can be seen wandering around at this time of year, looking for a mate (let's face it, at that size she shouldn't be hard to spot). They live together for a few weeks after mating and then he dies. Awww, that's sad - she is both pregnant and bereaved. But her grief, it would seem, is shortlived ... as she then eats his dead body. No wonder she's a big girl.

I do feel bad that I killed that spider. It didn't deserve to die. Last night I got into bed and settled back to read a chapter of the book I'm currently enjoying, when suddenly I saw this large, dark shape out of the corner of my eye. Aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh - not again! At least this one stayed on the wall, and was therefore easy to catch and liberate. I'm sure it'll live a happy life outside in the garden. I don't even mind if it lives in the shed, as long as it doesn't come back inside.

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